For many people, the first emotion they feel when challenged is threat (irritation, anger, insecurity.) The antidote is to recognize a question simply provides you with additional time to present; it is an opportunity. It is a window into your audience’s resistance, confusion, insecurity. Summon your mental inner ninja to reframe the moment as opportunity.
For many people, the first emotion they feel when challenged is threat (irritation, anger, insecurity.) The antidote is to recognize a question simply provides you with additional time to present; it is an opportunity. It is a window into your audience’s resistance, confusion, insecurity. Summon your mental inner ninja to reframe the moment as opportunity.
Last fall, fresh from several months spent travelling, I posted up down in a lovely rental to navigate some slowed down reentry time back into the world of work. I learned many things, like how long it really takes to effectively change gears. As I was learning some lessons, I noticed that there were several straggling fruit trees and rose bushes around my new home. I made sure to feed them, water them, and try to get them back online despite the fact that I knew I wouldn’t benefit from seeing fruit or flowers. It just seemed like the right thing to do.
I had no idea I would still be located at this same property lo these many months, but some massive disruptions (in all our lives) unfolded during the time we had planned to move. What has unfolded is a prolonged stay in a very lovely place. I had NO idea the roses I nurtured over the past few months would spring forth into the most beautiful blossoms. Seriously, have you ever seen a lavender rose before? My home is filled with vases of these gorgeous beauties, and the bushes outside are festooned with gigantic roses of every hue.
This got me to thinking about how sometimes the things we do to benefit someone else boomerang back as a gift for us. We know our brains are bathed in neural chemicals that can elicit different responses in us. Serotonin and Oxytocin are my two favorites. And as Simone Sinek tells us the perfect cocktail – EDSO – creates a well of safety for you and others. What is this magical cocktail you ask?
o Endorphins: The feel good rush we get from laughter and exercise.
o Dopamine: The satisfaction that arrives when we are focused on our goals, a feeling of accomplishment in a job well done. (This is a highly addictive chemical that can also be elicited from coffee, nicotine, overwork etc. Let loose it can end in distraction.)
The ED in EDSO are chemicals that we elicit for ourselves through our actions, so they are self-oriented. Only you can generate them only for yourself. What is really interesting is the SO (So Who do you love?) the Serotonin and Oxytocin are feel good chemicals we need others to release. Basically to feel good, we need to give it away.
o Serotonin: Is a feel good secretion whose purpose appears to help humans strengthen their bonds with one another. Think of challenging your team to a high goal, and you all GET IT DONE, and you get an award and you get to showcase your entire team. EVERYONE feels good – you and them, and the bonds of trust and togetherness deepen. That’s serotonin in action, and it’s a beautiful thing.
o Oxytocin: has also been called the Molecule of Trust. It is something we give away exclusively to others, and it helps us serve others. Most interesting, it turns out that it is contagious. Did you know by simply watching someone do something good for someone else releases the chemical in your brain, making you more likely to do something generous for someone else? For example, seeing someone give someone a helping hand, makes us more likely to lend a hand to someone in need.
Turns out generosity and empathy can be contagious, and that’s a good news message. In fact, the more oxytocin you help release in someone else, the less susceptible you are to the addictive nature of Dopamine or – ugh – cortisol. The more you can stave off cortisol, in you or anyone else, you are actually helping their immune system.
SO, I return to, who do you love? How do you create some sense of stability and safety for those around you? Apparently these laws of nature are all round us. Looks like the more you do the right thing, the more you and everyone else around you will bloom. And in times like these, it doesn’t get much better than that.
I was speaking to a friend up in the Seattle area recently about how she is holding up during the Great Quarantine. And she had some very wise words: “I can only control what’s in my hula hoop. “ Besides being a great image, it is one I keep referencing as we look at what’s in our new work normal.
As an Executive Coach, my calendar has been inundated with former clients (and new ones) who need some perspective on self-management as well as how to provide the sorely needed psychological safety that allows for a team to thrive during a turbulent time. My inbox fills daily with more pontification on how to manage the moment, but it’s pretty clear this is more scrambling to try and find equilibrium – yours, mine, theirs.
So, when G. said to me, “think about your hula hoop,” it seemed like some clarity and a great reminder that you can only control what’s in your sphere to control. In the spirit of sharing what I’ve been hearing over the past two weeks, here are points that I seem to be making to most individuals, regardless of where they are on the totem pole.
Take the Oxygen First
As the world rotates onto an online environment, remember that this can create a 24/7 sense of overwhelm. Those of us who work on virtual teams regularly learned a long time ago that you need to create your own safe spaces and remove yourself from the deluge of access.
Let your team know it is okay to be available at certain times of the day for certain reasons. For example, I will be online and available to chat, Zoom, connect from 9-11. Working on projects from 11 – 1. Zoom meetings will be from 2-4. Will check email from 3-5. I’m not available in the evening. Then follow through on your schedule.
I highly recommend you carve out tech breaks for yourself. Not only from work, but from the onslaught of news that is overwhelming and triggering. Can you find a 24 hour period of time to give all your tech (your computer, your phone, all of it) to a trusted person. Let people know if there is an emergency you can be reached at (give your spouse’s number) and then TURN OFF. Your mind needs to reset. You need to sit with your thoughts, feelings of overwhelm and just process.
This is going to be a marathon. Don’t try and sprint it.
Be Gentle with Yourself (and therefore others)
This is a great time to dust off all that Growth Mindset material you’ve put to one side to read. If you haven’t jumped in, allow me to send you some materials (contact me here on the website). This is the time to reach down deep and call upon your resilience. Be kind with yourself. We are all learning as we go. As far as I can tell, the whole world is somewhere past denial and getting tangled up in the anger or depression phase in the Kubler Ross Change curve. We need to get to integration and adaption, and we can.
Help your team (family, loved ones) name those emotions and recognize that we are going through this collectively. Trying to help people by providing certainty and agency where you can, and helping them pivot to more “learning as we go” moments helps. Yes the whole world is fumbling around on Zoom – the good news is, we are connecting!
Connect and Communicate
It’s important to realize that even though we are holed up at home, at least we’re all doing that together! We have the tools to still meet in ways that are supportive or engaging. I probably attended 12 virtual sessions in the past work week and by the far the most fun one ended with everyone (there were about 16 of us) showcasing pets and kids. Everyone pig piled on in and we had a screen fairly pulsing with good will, pets, babies, and kids. Work was done – and the good will off the charts.
Other experiments that have had fun results: group karaoke, happy hour (everyone showcasing a different libation of choice), and virtual dinner (okay, we have a chef in the group who gave a simple cooking lesson to family members near and far, then we all dined together.) The point is we need to feel connected right now, and it doesn’t all have to be work.
Remember, it’s your hula hoop. You get to decide what goes in there.
We all know it is a world based on disruption, and by the time we age into the workforce we know the rules change as fast as we can learn them. Agility is key to our success, and yet fluidity can also leave us feeling disconnected, fragmented, disenfranchised. It’s no wonder, really. Yes, we survived the Fourth Industrial Revolution, but the price was very, very high.
We know we are the most drug addicted, depressed, and overworked cohort of adults in American history. We are witnessing climate collapse: scientists estimate that 150-200 species of plant, insect, bird and mammal become extinct every 24 hours. Globally, more than 264 million people of all ages suffer from chronic depression.
As a recent study by Accenture cites, executives estimate that in three years, 44% of the workforce will be comprised of contractors and/or temporary internal positions. And 79% of this liquid workforce will be aligned to dynamic projects, rather than static job functions. Er… that probably means you and me.
As a coach I get a front line seat to some mighty heavy combat sport in the arena. I get to help bind and heal the wounds. I cheer on victories. I watch failure, blame, shame and guilt take their toll. I see a lot of damaging narratives and internal loops I wish I could stop. I watch people play it safe; and I see people cut corners to take incredible risk. Some float and rise; some crash into the wall. Hindsight is usually 20:20 and I spend a lot of time trying to craft viewpoints around that. I get to help people craft their story and the words I use the most often – Pivot and Reframe. Are you getting Oxygen? What are you doing to make this sprint sustainable? And inevitably, always: so what did we learn?
When the ribbon starts to run so fast we are afraid it is going to snap, I find what brings the most immediate sense of balance to the moment is to ask my people to reflect. Just take a moment and try it. Reflection is where we separate ourselves from the heat of the moment and buffer just long enough to get perspective. Just long enough to self-regulate. To think – what have I learned? What can I learn from this? How will I take this and move forward?
I learned recently, from a rather well known chef, that a beautifully prepared meal should disrupt the five senses, and in doing so, shift your reality. I immediately thought the five senses were taste, touch, sight, sound, smell. But I was wrong. This chef’s ancient tradition insisted that the five senses are body, feeling, perception, intention, and consciousness.
And I felt my world shift. So, the next time you are at the rope’s end, the ground just vanishing beneath your feet – ask yourself these 5 questions to shift your reality:
- What is going on in my body? (Am I tired, exhausted, tense, anxious, hungry, in pain? Separate your body from your mind.)
- What am I feeling ? (Name those emotions, particularly the contradictory chords you are feeling: angry and sad, irritated and confused, joyful and agitated. Naming the emotion distances yourself from it and allows you to observe it.)
- What am I perceiving? (Remember, you only have one side of any conversation, so remember it is a perception, not necessarily a reality. By thinking through your perception, you invoke the ability to imagine the other individual’s perception. You acknowledge your limits. )
- What are my intentions? (And be sure to state them. There is no quicker cut to clarity than to state your intentions in a conversation or situation, particularly one fraught with tension.)
- Are you sitting in a state of mindfulness? (Consciousness is the art of being present in the moment, and preferably one infused with compassion. This is where you slip out of the moment and into a more reflective state of mind.)
We are complex and deliciously messy human beings. And our bodies, hearts, and minds are not designed to be so fractured and inundated with overwhelm, certainly not all the time.
Take the time to reflect. Take the time to check in. If you don’t create your own well of stillness, you remain at the mercy of the screen and a thousand distractions. Take it from a chef immersed in a tradition thousands of years old, operating from a certainty that understands the very fabric of time: you need to separate your mind from your body just long enough to take a deep breath, and reflect. All else will fall into place.
Match Ready Life
A new corporate buzzword is agility – we are supposed to be agile in all our dealings. In a VUCA world (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, Ambiguous) we are invited to understand our only footing is through our ability to be adaptable and agile. To a certain extent, what we are seeking is balance of some sort, and on constant pitching deck, this is challenging.
In Werner Herzog’s documentary, “Happy People: A Year in the Taiga” (2010) he follows lives of the indigenous people in the village of Bakhtia along the Yenisei river. The movie follows the course of seasons, the descent of harsh winters and the volatility of survival in savage conditions. One story follows that of a trapper, who follows the thaw north. At each camp where he stops, he has shelter set up: a simple hut that he has thoughtfully stocked. At each encampment, he spends a few weeks trapping and hunting. He stores his furs, replenishes his supplies, and leaves a fire, ready to be lit with one match. He leaves each of these primitive camps stocked and restored and ready for his return.
As the thaw continues, he makes his way to his northern most encampment. By the time he gets there, he has reached the outer-limit of the season and it is time to head back south. This time, as he makes his way south, he returns to each one of his camps. As the weather catches up to him, he has what he needs at each cabin. There is wood; there is water; he retrieves the bounty he stored from when he was last there. As he outraces winter, he returns each cabin to be “match ready.” A fire is laid; food is stored; the basics of survival are left behind. In this way, he returns to his village at the conclusion of hunting season with a full season’s worth of furs, and he is ready to wait out the winter again in Bakhtia.
The beauty and economy of his motions are borne of years of living in his own version of a VUCA world. These traditions that are ancient, and rooted in some timely wisdom. This got me to thinking about living a “match ready” life. How does this ripple outward into life in a modern world, one rife with turbulence and change? How do we live a match ready life?
In the world of work, this translates to rooting through your own toolkit and finding the tools you need to live a match ready life. This is more than being agile and adaptable, this is living life with the wisdom that change will happen. Forget about “Winter is Coming”-- winter is here.
Living a match ready life requires the creativity to anticipate the very basics needed for survival. So think about what’s in your toolkit. How have you expanded your network? What pockets of oxygen and mini-encampments have you set up in your world? How are you set up to travel just ahead of turbulence? How will you care for others?
Sorting through our own basic needs and determining what is essential to get by helps us find the balance we need – not based in scarcity, but the abundance that comes from planning far enough ahead to have multiple options, many encampments.
For some of us, this means having the adaptability to build encampments among people: when things turn harsh, where do we turn? How do we “light the match” we need to keep us all adaptable and with “just enough” to weather the storm? How do we leave these encampments behind for others who might get stuck in a storm?
Agility comes in many forms. Recognizing what you truly need and anticipating how to meet that need comes hand in hand with living a match ready life. It takes some thinking to get to the root of what are your basic needs to get by. It comes from being rooted in the fact that your own scenario planning is also deeply meshed with creating wins for others and helping those around you.
Here’s to economy, principles, and realizing that at the very root of our nature is the need to create options, not only for yourself, but for those in your circle as well. And that’s the really neat thing about circles – they expand outward. If more of us live a match ready life, that’s an awful lot of cabins in a lot of different places, ready for whatever storm finds us.
Ever trip over a bit of wisdom that just slid right into your being and lit up your whole understanding of the universe? Yeah, me either. But some moments do visit us and insist on pulling us with them, to teach something we needed to know, whether or not we were ready for it.
Years ago I worked for a real toxic node. This individual's unhappiness and frustration had reached such critical mass that it permeated everything in the work sphere. When I found myself hospitalized for acute nervous exhaustion, I had to accept the fact that the only thing I could change in the circumstance was myself.
Lucky for me, the organization relieved this individual of their leadership position. It took a while for my mojo to come back, but it did. Work was still stressful. The team was shell shocked, but starting to regroup. I needed a way to keep some balance in my life, and that's when I came up with the bird on a string.
On my wall, in plain view, I hung a piece of taut string between two tacks. One tack was numbered 1 and the other 10. These represented my stress levels. I had a wee paperclip that was fashioned like a raven, and I would hang it on the string to indicate what level of stress I was feeling. Weeks at a 10 had put me in the hospital, and I vowed I would never make that mistake again. If the bird hovered at a 7 for more than a week, I scheduled a wellness day for myself. I worked from home or scheduled a day off. If at all possible, I unplugged.
Eventually, colleagues asked me about the bird on the string, and I confided in them what it was. Soon, this became a regular check in point with various team members, and if the bird sat on 7 for too long, we all found a way to take a break, together. Soon, we didn't need the bird on the string. Eventually, I didn't need the bird at all. Finally, a lovely picture of a bird took its place on the wall, a quiet reminder to still the mind, to be well.
Where we rest the mind becomes real. In my coaching practice, I have shared the bird on the string story with many folks who live life in overwhelm. Many of them have found their own silent signals or check in points to self-manage. One uses a lamp; another a plant. The trick here is to find something you can't look past, something that will catch your gaze and arrest it, a clear reminder that in the whirlwind of overwhelm, you are the one who needs protecting. And the only person who can manage that is you.
May your bird find you.
Mother and Crow
Christmas Day
I would encourage anyone who has found their way to this post to check in with yourself - when was the last time you chatted with a crow?
When was the last time you took a moment to quietly enjoy the absurdity that surrounds you and find some small moment of meaning within it? Research tells us that we need nature breaks. That we need to connect with friends, families, and find meaning in what surrounds us. Dunbar has his number and we know connecting keeps us healthy. But with so much white hot noise and pressure around us, who has the time? Allow me to introduce you to the concept of the crow moment.
In this picture you find a woman and a crow: a full-on adult son crow. On Christmas. The day after I flew back from hosting executive training in Australia. I love this picture for a number of reasons - but mostly because of what it represents. This is family in its pure form - without expectation (on a high holiday no less) and fully enjoying the moment, sitting with absurdity.
Our gifts that year were spontaneous, spur of the moment - a silver pin of a bat found in an antique store in Townsville; a crow mask; a fantastic meal; some film equipment. There was no great sweeping statement about what we could or could not give. No rules or expectations. There was just heartfelt, jet-lagged, loopy, joyful presence.
In my coaching practice I often spend a lot of time helping overworked professionals - from every life stage and career phase - as they try to find and manage time for themselves and their loved ones. They worry so much about scheduling in time for the family that they usually end up walking right past the joy and into failed expectations. You probably can't turn off the noise that surrounds you, but you can increase your own self-awareness of how you handle the noise. And when you really get your game on, you can actually sit inside of the noise, and still find meaning, presence, and connection. This takes letting go and opening up - to all the absurdity and wonder that surrounds you.
Find the white hot noise and settle inside of it. Don't cancel plans because you are afraid you can't control the moment or make something of great meaning. Instead, just sit with those you love. The rest of it falls into place, crow mask and all.
