Silly, Sloppy, Stupid Questions = Moment of Grace

Has this ever happened to you? You spent months gathering data, weeks combing it into a bright beautiful presentation or discussion intended for a well-meaning audience. Stakes are high; lives might be changed. The presentation has gone swimmingly, and someone stops you to ask a question – a left field curve ball, and suddenly it opens the flood gates to getting derailed. And as others pile in, you are now losing the audience. Confusion enters the room, and your work is undone. Here are a couple of hot tips and observations gleaned from having coached and observed thousands of presentations.

 

Hot Tip #1: Summon your Inner Ninja!

It helps to know that it is a bloody miracle that any simple act of human communication can transpire: that what we say hits its mark. From the moment the words leave our lips, we enter a white noise zone where language morphs and twists to land upon our audiences who have a wide variety of contexts and their own human baggage. Words, signifiers, emotions, codes…  language itself gets in the way. Add to that, we are biological animals who perceive reality through a scrim of emotion. This is true for the speaker AND the audience. Questions are inevitable – some of them are insightful, but many of them feel just… well, stupid. Uninformed. Provocative. This is the moment to flip your mindset and grab the opportunity at hand: behold, your audience doesn’t understand you, and they are asking you for help. They are giving you a chance.

 

For many people, the first emotion they feel when challenged is threat (irritation, anger, insecurity.) The antidote is to recognize a question simply provides you with additional time to present; it is an opportunity. It is a window into your audience’s resistance, confusion, insecurity. What better way to hone your presentation than to unpack the road map inside your audience that has led to misunderstanding?Summon your mental inner ninja to reframe the moment as opportunity.

 

Not Tip #2: Attitude of Gratitude

 When you get a bone-headed, stupid question your pivot needs to be gratitude. Don’t let that amygdala hijack you. Turn that cortisol spike into pure oxytocin: be grateful for the chance to pinpoint the place on the map where your audience is coming from. Rarely is it what you could have anticipated. An honest simple statement of gratitude at this moment dissolves any barriers and opens the lines of communication. The phrases are so easy to pivot to:

o   Thank you for allowing me to elaborate on that, it was something we spent so much time thinking about.

o   I’m so glad you brought that up, it’s so important for this discussion.

o   Thank you, we all initially shared that concern, too. Allow me to elaborate….

And if the questions are falling in a pattern around a particular topic, take the time to shoulder the burden of responsibility:

o   I sense we should return to discuss financials. This is so important to the overall idea today, and I’m delighted to take a moment to revisit this so we are all on the same page.

You don’t have to be disingenuous; you just need to be the person who provides clarity, structure, and connection in the room.

 

Tip #3: Curiosity Did Not Kill The Cat.

The hardest thing to do when you are defensive is to sit in curiosity. Yet it is a life preserver. Lean in to understand. Learn to recognize the type of question and questioner, and you will be well on your way to “bringing others along with you” – which is the final purpose of any exchange of ideas or information.

 

Bone headed numbskull questions

These pop up – often after an awkward silence while others are gathering their thoughts. A person with poor impulse control or genuine confusion (or wanting to throw down a challenge) asks what feels like a flat-out stupid question. You are ready to discuss the higher points of your presentation – singing with the angels – and someone steps in and asks you something really basic that feels…. Just stupid.

Were they not listening?

 How did you lose them at step one?

 Do they really know so very little about the topic that you just spent so much time explaining?

Are they really so bent on revealing their own blinding ignorance?

The answers to all these are – of course – yes.  AND they are handing you the gift to go in and build a bridge. Pay attention. Return the question to them. Bear the burden of responsibility. If you can, get the person to restate their question to make sure you understand what they are really asking.

 

Often, language fails people. You think they are asking something basic about the cost of the project (which you explained several times) but what they really mean is something slightly different. Make sure you understand the question first; asking them to rephrase their question can help.

Try this: “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to revisit this point. I want to make sure I get this right. Are you asking me to revisit costs?” 

Then listen…. If you can get them to refine their question, you stand a better chance of building a bridge and bringing everyone along. When people rephrase, usually the real issue pops up.

 

Sometimes, the answer to the mind-numbing question is a simple Yes or No. Say that – then build a bridge so you can go to the topic you wish to continue to discuss.

Example:  So, the cost of this project is $750K?

Answer: Yes.

Beat. Watch what happens in the stillness… either someone else equally annoyed at the question (which, we assume here has already been clarified and asked more than once) will jump in with a clarifier, which helps the next talking point.

Or… there is silence.

If silence surfaces, you are wide open and free to continue to build the bridge. “I would be happy to look at what the plan entails for the $750K. Or is there an area to costs others would like me to revisit?”

Now, you are off and running to surfacing the REAL issue – why does this person need to revisit this number yet again. What is the REAL ISSUE?

 

Visiting the real issue is the true dance behind derailing questions. Many folks just don’t have the right skill set to get to the real beating heart of their own issue. You need to find the key to unlock that. Usually, this is found by listening to the question, providing space for the context to surface, then ferreting out what the real issue is and where you want to go next. Often this helps others in the room jump on that bridge and surface questions that you DO wish to entertain.

 

Remember, curiosity is your best friend. When we seek to understand, to really see someone’s issue, they feel seen and heard. It makes you more likable and approachable. And in the end, people remember how you make them feel more than what you said. What is IMPORTANT here is that being nimble in the moment, meeting the audience where they are at, and having the agility to make them FEEL GOOD about their connection with you will let them take the steps they need to follow you back to your big, beautiful idea.

 

So – know that the world is full of all sorts of people who formulate, blurt, or hurl questions rarely with the true question in mind. In most instances, they just need more from you – to understand you, to follow you. And it is your responsibility to meet them at that door, gracefully, and to give them the footing back to where you need to take them next.